Let's Play Chicken!

by - April 14, 2010

This is going to seem like the most random topic ever, but I assure you guys that this is actually a really current thing for me right now. So I'm just going to come right out and say it:

I think chickens are out to get me.

It's true. Recently I've had multiple run-ins with chickens. And I'm talkin' about whole herds of chickens. Do chickens gather in herds? Whatever. These were a freakin' herd.

One day last week I was driving to see the boyfriend, and that's when the first encounter happened. I had seen the herd that morning on my way home but thought nothing of it. They were still in their respective yard, albeit extremely close to the road. I'm talkin' they were right up to the edge of the road doing that little scratch-dance thing they do. But like I said, I didn't think anything of it although in hindsight I guess I should have clued into the foreshadowing of events to come.

So that afternoon I was on my way back, to see the boyfriend right? Well, these chickens live at the house on the corner of the road I turn onto off of a busy highway. It's not like I can come to a complete stop before turning onto this road because there's always traffic. So I cruise into my turn onto the road, which happens to immediately cut into a turn (retarded, I know) and is also on a slight incline so you can't see anything. Basically, if a road could have a blind spot this would be the epitome of one.

So I turn onto the road and right as I top the little incline, there they are. 20 chickens - I'm not exaggerating their numbers in the least - in the middle of the road. Just chillin', doing the scratch-dance thing like they were going to find worms or bugs or whatever it is they eat in the pavement. I panicked for about two seconds, convinced I was about to take out the entire herd. Luckily the little buggers are faster than they look. They split like the crowd in that one scene from Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift, creating a nice little avenue for me to drive through. Which was a good thing because I'm not up to date on the protocol for running over an entire herd of chickens.

I mean, would I need to go knock on the door? What would I say? 'Cause I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be too accepting of the fact that I massacred their herd of chickens while they were attempting to cross the road (now would be the perfect time to throw out a cheesy "why did the chicken cross the road" joke, but I'll refrain).

That's not the extent of this story. Oh, no. The next time I was on that road, the herd was on the wrong side of the road just waiting for me. I saw them when I rounded the curve before the stop sign, the unnaturally large rooster at the front of the pack. I was paranoid that they were going to demonstrate their amazing speed and dart in front of my car, but they just watched me while they did their scratch-dance.

These chickens used to be corralled. I'm not really sure how they escaped, but apparently a couple of them were really ambitious. Actually, these next two chickens are probably just rogue chickens from other herds that are trying to hook up with the daredevil herd.

A few days ago when I was on my way home from work I encountered a lone chicken just outside of the city, casually walking down the side of the road like a hitchhiker. At first I thought this thing was a dog. That's how big it was. Big and white. And where was he heading? Towards the road chickens.

Then on Sunday morning when I was on my way home from the boyfriend's house, I passed another lone chicken, also big and white. This time on a country road in the middle of nowhere. He was trying to cross the road to get to a fenced-in pond where there are ducks. At least I think the ducks are real. I'm not sure. Sometimes they look fake. But that's not the point.

The point is that I've had way too many chicken encounters in the past week. And no matter how funny it sounds when you say it, playing chicken with a herd of chickens really isn't fun.

I kind of feel like Peter Griffin in his epic battles with the Giant Chicken.

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  1. But I love chickens! They're so cute! They would never be out to get you!

    But seriously, did you make this up?

    Wait. It's totally too bizarre to be made up. lol.

  2. No ma'am, I did not make this up. I have been having these chicken experiences for the past two weeks. It's become a kind of pattern.

  3. I really seriously think, Ashton, that those chickens are out to get you. Consider those encounters as a sign. Their plotting something against you.

    But chickens are delicious. Hahaha. :D

  4. Gnetch, I do believe you're right.