Moronic Monday

by - March 01, 2010

Today is shaping up to be an epic Monday. And I'll tell you why. We have some spectacularly-awesome stories in the news this morning. I'm telling you, they're not your run-of-the-mill stories and pretty much guaranteed not to grace a national wire anytime soon, but they are awesome nonetheless.

So this guy in Tuscumbia, Ala. (10 points if you know where that is without using mapquest) killed himself this weekend. He didn't do it intentionally. And actually, if you want to get technical... his cigarette killed him. Get this: he was smoking outside his apartment when his arm caught on fire. So he freaks out. How do I know this? Well, he runs into his apartment where he manages to set his couch on fire and then runs back outside. Not once does he stop, drop and roll. His neighbors managed to catch him (he must've been hauling @$$) and put out the flames. He died because of his injuries.

Yes, I know this is a terrible story and I shouldn't get as much amusement out of it as I have, but I honestly can't help myself. The irony is just too much. And I wanted to share it with all you guys just so I could be all morallistic (I just made that a word) today. So, moral of the story: We should all remember our pre-school lessons, i.e. stop, drop and roll.
This next one is for all my pothead friends. Okay, so I don't really have any. So it can be for your pothead friends. New research shows that smoking marijuana for six years or longer significantly increases your chances of having mental issues like schizophrenia or delusional disorders. And when I say significantly, I'm talking big numbers. They studied more than 3,000 people and found that those who fit the aforementioned criteria were more than twice as likely to develop mental psychosis. So think before you light up!
And this is purely from the annals of my brain. I thought about this last Thursday night and was going to write about it for Friday's post but well, that didn't happen. Oops. So here for your pondering pleasure are my thoughts on old people, directions and GPS.

Have you ever noticed that older people know where everything is? Or maybe that's just my grandparents, I don't know. Whenever my family is traveling we always miss our turn or turn the wrong way or something equally as dumb and end up getting lost. So what do we do? We don't pull out a map and consult it. No. We call my dad's mom and stepdad.

They know where absolutely everything is. They can even give specific landmarks down to the types of trees in the front yard of the yellow house you're going to turn next to after you pass the green house where the black dog likes to chase cars. If you're on the interstate, they can give you mile marker signs and/or exit numbers. And they're never wrong. Unlike a GPS.

My little brother was with his best friend last year in north Georgia when they decided to try out a brand new Garmin GPS. They were going to Wal-Mart which was literally across the street. So they put in the information like you're supposed to and off they go. That crazy GPS system takes them right by their destination, directs them onto the interstate, takes them a few miles up then turns them off and brings them back to where they started. My grandparents, on the other hand, probably could have told them what color and kind of shoes the hobo on the corner of the intersection where Wal-Mart is was wearing.

I have to admit though, I do want a GPS. Not a Garmin though. I want a Tom-Tom. My old roommate had one and it never got us lost. And we're both terrible at directions. But even if it does get me lost, I can always call the original GPS - my grandparents (it even has GPS in the spelling).

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  1. Epicness... very epic. Wow. That's just- I don't even have words.

    And my grandparents never know where anything is.

    I have a GPS. They. Are. Awesome.

  2. Haha. Definitely epic. I mean, I know cigarettes are bad, ya know. But this idiot just took their badness to a whole 'nother level. I read that story three times before it fully sank in that his cigarette literally killed him.