This Week in the World of News

by - January 22, 2011

 Robert Bentley sworn in as Alabama's governor.

Live shots out the wazoo.

After the ceremony he commits his first slur - only Christians are my brothers and sisters.

Everything moved so slowly, like everything was stuck in quicksand.

The biggest news? John Tyson is out of a job.
Bentley makes good on his promise to dissolve the Anti-Gambling Task Force.

 You know how in Alice and Wonderland the white rabbit is constantly looking at his stopwatch saying, "I'm late! I'm late!"? That was me on Wednesday.

The show was stacked two minutes over when I got to work. I only had a few spots to drop commercial-wise and all of my reporters went over their time limits.

But Bentley did apologize for his religious remarks, saying he would be a governor for all Alabamians regardless of race or religion.

 The next generation of synthetic drugs - bath salts.

Area hospitals are reporting increased cases of patients who've ingested bath salts. By ingested they mean that these idiots are snorting and/or injecting themselves with a product commonly found in drug stores all across the country.

Symptoms are similar to those of PCP, and include unfounded fear, rambling speech, paranoia, hallucinations, increased body temperature, extreme sweating, and superman-like strength and endurance. BUT bath salts are 10-to-15 times more powerful than meth and cocaine. Side effects include kidney failure, severe brain damage and death.

Who in their right mind would ever think, "I wonder what'll happen if I snort my mom/sister/wife's bath salts?"

 The final straw.

One of our sister stations was supplying me with 3 stories for the late show. We share files through an ftp system similar to the one above, and their files always take forever to move to us. Which isn't a big deal if they send them to us early.

Last night, they didn't send them to us early. I had everything finished except the video for one story. It took it 45 minutes to download. I missed the entire first block of my show. I was so stressed I now have a lovely batch of skin imperfections.

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  1. Robert Bentley just proves my theory correct that people in the Southeast are 90% religious psychos. Cannot wait to move.